


Billy's Mom Has Got It Goin' On

by GoofyGoldenGirl



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Young Avengers
Genre: Confrontations, Crack, Dating, Family, Funny, Gen, House Cleaning, Hugs, Humor, Lunch, Mother-Son Relationship, Phone Calls, Stacy's Mom, Suspicions, dating rumors, house repairs, mowing lawns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 07:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3928783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoofyGoldenGirl/pseuds/GoofyGoldenGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>The most crack of all crackfics, inspired by the strangest of rumors and the song Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Billy's Mom Has Got It Goin' On

"Hey mom?" Billy called out as he walked in the front door. "Mom? It's Billy. I'm just gonna leave this spell boo--"

He stopped in his tracks. Wanda came out of the kitchen, followed by a tall, black-haired, familiar young man.

"Loki!" Billy blurted out.

"Hey Billy!" Loki waved.

"What-what are you doing here?"

"Loki's helping around the house," Wanda answered. "Isn't that sweet of him?"

" _Sweet?_ " Billy exclaimed, aghast.

"Well I _can_ be charming," Loki winked. "Now if you excuse me, I have to go back to fixing the pipes."

Loki slid back into the kitchen.

"Um," Billy held out the spell book he borrowed. "I came to give this back. I better get going."

"No, you can keep it," Wanda handed it back to Billy. "Sure you don't want to stay over for awhile? I haven't seen you in a while."

"It's urgent! Ok love you bye!"

Billy rushed out of the house. He gazed down at the ground as he walked along the sidewalk.

"Come on Billy you're just imagining things," he told himself. "She said that Loki was just helping around the house."

Helping out was something that Loki was incapable of doing. Anything Loki touched ended up getting absolutely screwed up beyond repair. Billy learned that from the fiasco last year with the Mother Parasite.

And didn't he want to sock a giant punch right in the middle of Loki's smug face?

Why on earth would his mother want Loki's help unless--

An expression of pure squick washed over Billy's face.

"No," he shut his eyes tight. "No. She possibly can't see him _that_ way. That's so gross!"

He tripped and fell on his hands and knees. He got up with an _ouch_ and headed on his way, deeply disturbed.  
*****************************************************************************************************************************************  
The next set of visits seemed to confirm his suspicions. Loki was around every time Billy came over. Cleaning the attic, repairing cabinets, fixing the computer, even making lunch for Billy and Wanda.

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry," Billy nudged the sandwich on his plate. It was a meatball sub. Once upon a time, Billy loved meatball subs. Now it was on top of the things that had been ruined by Loki list. _Thanks Loki_

Loki and Wanda were already digging into their sandwiches, and clearly enjoying them.

"This is delicious!" Wanda said. "Tell me. What's your secret?"

"I guess you can say I gave it some extra special lovin'," Loki chuckled.

Billy wanted to gag.

"You have such a corny sense of humor," Wanda pointed out with what looked like a smile.

She was _smiling_ at him.

Billy started to rack his mind, hoping that there was a spell that blocked out unnecessary dialogue. They both were laughing now about some stupid story about Thor.

"Agh! Runaway meatball!" Wanda exclaimed as one of the meatballs shot out of her sandwich with a spurt of tomato sauce. It landed on her plate.

"Guess you need a better _grip_ " Loki remarked.

"It's very juicy," she said. "Seems to slip outta my mouth."

Skip gagging. Billy wanted to puke all over the table.  
**********************************************************  
Billy headed out to the backyard, hoping that he could swim in the pool.

Instead, he found Loki mowing the lawn, only wearing a pair of black shorts and flip-flops.

" _You're_ here!" Billy dropped the beach bag he was carrying.

"What?" Loki turned the lawn mower off. 

"Hi Loki," Billy quickly called out.

"Oh hey Billy! Whew!" Loki leaned over the lawn mower, sweat dripping down his forehead.

"What's going on?"

Wanda rushed out, clad only in a towel.

"Ah, nothing. Whew! Isn't it hot out here?" Loki wiped his brow.

"You should take a break. Why don't you two go for a swim?" Wanda started to head back into the house.

"But first Loki," she pointed her finger at a patch of grass. "You missed that spot."

Billy could feel his jaw drop as Wanda slid the door closed and went back inside the house.  
*********************************************************************************************************  
"Tommy this is serious."

"Code red? What's going on?" Came Tommy's voice from the other end.

"I don't want you to freak out, but it's mom."

"Is mom ok? Is she sick? Don't tell me she's gonna die or something!"Tommy frantically said.

"No…not that. She's--"

"Yeah?"

"Mom's--" Billy started nervously.

"Just spit it out already! Dude!"

"I think Mom's dating Loki!"

Silence.

"Tommy?" Billy asked, worried.

A giggle. Then another.

"Aw man! Dude! Is this a joke or something?" Tommy laughed. 

"No! I swear! Mom's dating Loki!" Billy exclaimed. 

"That's a good one!" There came a thud sound, as if Tommy was banging his fist on a table. 

"You're not taking this _seriously!_ "

"Little bro,there's a thing called _attraction_ ," Tommy dragged out the syllables as he spoke. "No one can explain it. And we must respect people's ability to crush on the weirdest people even if it is _gross_ "

"Tommy!"

" _Billy_ ," Tommy answered. "Mom's probably fine."

"But it's Lo--"

Tommy had hung up. Billy listened to the static before the call ended.  
****************************************************************************  
Billy kicked open the door and stormed in. Fists clenched, shoulders rolled back, he moved forward to the kitchen where the noise was coming from.

"Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it."

Billy leaned back against the wall. He turned his head to the left, trying to get a glimpse of--

"And hey, if you need anything, just call me."

He saw--

His mother hugging Loki.

Billy stepped out with a shout. They broke apart. 

"Billy!"

"I-I can't believe you Mom!" Billy yelled. "Loki! _Loki?_ "

"Billy--"

"Loki is absolute _trash!_ I can't believe you're going out with him!"

"I object to that!" Loki interjected. "That's only _half_ true."

"Billy we-"

"He's just gonna mess with you Mom! He's just gonna play you like he's played everyone else!"

"Look I'm sorry--honestly sorry about what I did to you guys, but hear me out--" Loki started.

"Why should I listen to you!" Billy lunged at Loki.

"Billy, Loki and I are just friends!" Wanda shouted.

Billy froze in his spot.

"What?"

"We're just _friends_ ," Wanda repeated. "He's been around the house a lot because Thor referred him."

"I can vouch that," Loki jumped in. "Long story short: I wanted money. I would have gone about obtaining money my own way if my brother hadn't interfered. Money laundering and gambling aren't really things that agree with him. So he heard that Wanda's house needed a fixer- upper and gave me her number."

"And it just so happens that he's not _that_ bad to be around," Wanda said. "Well, he could improve his humor…among other things."

"My humor isn't that bad," Loki protested. 

Both Billy and Wanda rolled their eyes.

"I'm not even looking to date anyone now," Wanda walked over to Billy and put her hand on his shoulder. "Some things are more important than others. With the mess that's happened in Genosha, everything's just been about family. Right now, I just wanna spend more time with you and Tommy because I'm scared that it's gonna get to a point where I won't have a family anymore."

She blinked back tears. Billy reached out and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm sorry Mom," he told her.

"It's ok," she said. 

"Aww isn't this sweet?" Loki cooed. "A real family moment."

"Loki," mother and son said in an annoyed tone. 

They all laughed.


End file.
